Midnight
As soon as I get into bed I feel a cramp, very similar to a
menstrual cramp, which didn’t strike me as odd except that a few
minutes later I got another, and then another. After the first three I
"timed" them with my clock radio at about 5 min apart. I figured I
should stay in bed - they probably didn’t mean anything but if this was
"it" I would need my sleep.
1:00 am
I haven't been able to sleep yet I'm still not convinced this is "it".
This is not happening the way I expected - with mild contractions
spaced far apart - but with regular 5 min cramps that might be getting
a bit stronger. I give up on sleeping and decided to go watch some TV -
we'd taped a skating special the night before, and catch up on some
journaling. I ate some toast and peanut butter - a good thing because
all those yummy treats I packed for the labour went unused, I couldn't
keep anything but ice chips down.
I got out my pamphlet on "how to tell if it is really
labour" and read that contractions typically come in waves either from
top to bottom or back to front. The book said that cramps low, in the
front were probably false labour. So I tried not to get my hopes up.
3:00 am
I'm not sure if the cramps are getting stronger or not but I can't seem
to focus on TV or writing any more so I go back to timing the cramps -
now they are 2 to 3 min apart. I decide to run a tub and see if that
will help.
Before I get in the tub Bruce wakes up and checks in with me - "Are you
just having trouble sleeping or ???" he says. "I'm not sure" I replied
"But I am having fairly regular cramps"
"How regular"
"Oh about every 3 minutes..."
"WHAT!"
I felt excited, relieved and scared all at once
or in a quick rotating sequence. Five min apart had been in the
re-labour books as the beginning of the real thing. Holy #$$#, this
could be the real thing. I was beginning to wake up quickly.
Sharon wasn't sure if this was real although she
thought it might be. She was pouring a bath when I got up. The hot
water may relax her and help the contractions. I debated going back to
bed and sleep a little more until her labour increased but the
adrenaline was starting to rush through me.
Needless to say he didn't go back to bed but decided to stay up and try
timing the cramps while I was in the tub.
My biggest frustration initially was trying to
focus on timing the contractions. Either the watch was somewhere else,
I missed the start time or I got confused in the math. I wondered what
help I would be when it got to the big stuff.
By 3:30 the cramps were definitely getting stronger and we
both knew that this was it! Those cramps were really contractions.
About 4:00 the contractions were at the same
rate but getting more visibly painful. Sharon could not talk and had to
take deep breaths as each one gripped her abdomen. It seemed very real
and I was becoming concerned. We talked about calling Heather, our
doula and the doctor.
Sharon hesitated at first wanting to be certain. I was
beginning to feel panicky and unsure of what to do to help her during
the contractions. Each one seemed more painful and she had more
difficulty maintaining her breathing and calmness.
4:30 am
The cramps were getting tougher - I had to stop and concentrate on
breathing with each one, and I was losing my sense of humour. The time
to call had come. I called the doctor first - she was already at the
hospital, she listened to a contraction and said it was OK to come in.
I talked to Heather, our doula and we discussed whether to
go to the hospital or not and decided to stay home for a little bit
longer - she was great, coaching me through the breathing on the phone
while she got herself ready to come over. Bruce wasn't so sure we
should wait.
Heather suggested having a shower to see if that would ease the cramps.
It didn't. They kept coming stronger and closer together. Only 2 to 3
minutes apart and lasting for 45 to 60 seconds.
I was outside the glass shower door feeling more
and more uncertain about what to do to help. I couldn't get into a
rhythm with the breathing. I was either too fast or too slow for
Sharon. My coaching didn't seem to help. All I could do was stay close
and try to comfort her.
5:15 am
Heather arrived.
When I arrived around 5:15 am I almost drove
right past the house. I stopped the car because I noticed it was the
only house in the street with ALL the lights on!
Bruce let me in and we found Sharon out of the shower
wearing a comfortable big shirt. The first thing we did was exchange
comments on our new hair cuts. - mine chopped, hers permed! What an
intro.
I began breathing with Sharon and asking what had been
working and what she didn't like. She seemed to like to pull down
during the peak of a contraction (poor curtain) and invariably her arms
went up and she rose on her toes at the peak. I asked what would help
and she responded "A trip to Bermuda!" Her contractions, we discovered
were already strung together in clumps that sometimes never went away.
This continued to frustrate her throughout the labour and her main
complaint was "It's not like in the book: they're supposed to give me a
break!!".
Bruce established a regular beat of counting up to 20
and back down. We soon learned that although this seemed to help Sharon
the contractions didn't build slowly and peak around 20 or 40 seconds -
they peaked quickly and took longer to subside.
I was starting to get a little panicky at this point. I had expected
the pain to be strong but I hadn't expected it to be so persistent. It
felt like someone had driven a steel bar through both my hips was
vibrating it while standing on my lower uterus. The pain rarely went
away and as each contraction subsided I could feel the next one coming
on. I needed all the help and support Bruce could give me - and, as
always, he was right there for me.
It was as if the contractions were ocean waves and
as each swell began the short breaths enabled Sharon to start moving
with it and as it built and crested she breathed faster and harder to
stay on top.
I felt relieved and decided to learn from Heather so I could help
Sharon, I could not have figured this out from the books. I felt a
tremendous relief and appreciation for Heather's expertise and ability
to step in and take action
6:30 am
Heather suggested it was time to think about going to the hospital (30
min away) as the contractions were only 2 min apart and were lasting 40
sec. I wanted to stay home as long as possible since I wasn't sure I
would be comfortable at the hospital - I've always hated them. We'd
planned to give birth at a different location where there were
wonderful Labour, Delivery and Recovery rooms but the Hospital's
maternity ward had been closed and moved to a different hospital. They
had modified some of the old rooms into LDR's (though they still looked
like a regular room) but the majority of women had to use horrible
little Labour and Delivery rooms and then move up to cramped ward rooms
on another floor -- I was really hoping we'd get and LDR and they
wouldn't give one to you if they thought you would have a long labour -
so we had stayed home as long as we could but the time to go had
arrived.
By this point any touch on my belly would initiate a
contraction. I tried to change out of my night shirt into a jogging
suit but I couldn't take the pain. Finally I found old ratty pink
maternity overalls and slipped them on over my shirt. So much for my
stylish entry into the hospital.
Bruce packed the car - 2 suitcases (one for labour, one for
after), a CD player, Heather's big blue birthing ball, the drink
cooler, the camera, and the camcorder.
The car ride was a nightmare - a Jeep with no shocks and
roads covered in Street car tracks. I couldn't sit down so I went the
whole way standing in the front leaning over the passenger seat looking
at Heather in the back who was still gamely coaching me through my
breathing. Poor Bruce had the task of driving as quickly and smoothly
as he could.
7:00 am
We arrived at the hospital. Now all my distances were measured in
contractions. It took 2 contractions to get to the front door and 3
more to get to the elevator - where a well meaning women put her hand
on my arm to comfort me I think - but she set off another contraction.
Bruce disengaged her arm for me. I really wasn't thinking too clearly
at this point. Three more contractions and we were at the Maternity
triage (it hadn't seemed this far in the hospital tour!). As luck would
have it the hospital was full. Even triage had no room. Heather
suggested they just admit us but Dr Sheppard was already they wanted us
to wait. Bruce tried valiantly to keep me breathing while we were in
the waiting room.
I was beginning to sense the depth of the pain and
felt a deep fear of how intense it was. I was able to help her with her
breathing with more coaching from Heather. I felt good at being able to
do something directly. I got Sharon's attention by getting in direct
eye contact and close to her. I did better with the breathing but still
felt awkward.
I was really tired and tried sitting in the rocking chair -
but again the touch of chair set off another set of contractions. It
seemed like the only thing I could do was stand and the only place I
could be touched was on my hands.
7:30 am
Dr Sheppard arrived and I think they booted some poor woman out of
triage to let us in because the contractions were obviously coming
quickly and painfully. She did an assessment and gave us good news - I
was 6 cm dilated and 90% effaced! Hurray! It couldn't be long now -
could it?
Dr Sheppard explained the pain options - basically a
narcotic or an epidural. I said no both but the narcotic was tempting.
I'd really wanted a drug free birth but this pain seemed to be more
than I could handle. With Heather and Bruce's encouragement I decided
to wait a little longer before making a decision on the narcotic.
There was only one room available - and LDR room and with 6
women waiting, we got the room. I was so relieved. I just wished it
wasn't so far from triage. We met our wonderful nurse Doris and unknown
to me Heather gave Dr Sheppard and Doris copies of my birth plan. They read it on the slow trip to the
LDR room.
When we got to the room I went immediately to the shower -
feeling sticky with blood from the exam and hoping the shower would
ease the pain a bit. The shower was almost hypnotizing the pain was
stronger, but more bearable. Time seemed to stand still except for the
water level that slowly rose in the tub and the people that kept
checking in on me.
Bruce and I took turns coaching Sharon's
breathing and concentration during this time. We couldn't get the tub
to unplug and in our concern for a flood decided to move to the room
next door. I announced our intention to move but Sharon quickly pointed
out that she had 2 inches before overflowing and wanted to stay longer.
The contractions seemed more continuous in the shower
and Sharon sounded different. She moaned almost continually yet at the
same time there seemed to be a certain comfort that kept her there for
quite some time.
8:30 am
After I got out of the shower we talked with Dr Sheppard about pain
relief again. Again I was tempted by the narcotic but I was worried
that it might have some negative impact on the baby so I decided to
hang in just a little longer.
I could see the fetal monitor in the corner of the room and
was worried that they would put it on me, I knew that if they tried to
put the monitor belt around my belly it would be very painful, but
Doris (our nurse) was wonderful, she knew I wouldn't be able to sit
still for it and simply placed the paddle that they used to hear the
heart beat on my belly whenever I was close enough - I guess they
didn't need to check for contractions - they were pretty obvious.
I noticed that all our bags of "stuff" were scattered about
the room. I don't know how Bruce managed to get them all up from the
car. He must have been quite a sight carrying Heather's big blue labour
ball up the hospital elevator ;).
All my carefully packed comfort items - the soft music, the
aromatherapy ring, the frozen juices, the books on labour positions -
none of them mattered now. The only comfort items that mattered were
people - Bruce, Heather and Doris were all that could help now.
Once she and Doris had taken a good look at the cord blood
kit we brought Dr Sheppard headed home for a shower - she'd already
been at the hospital all night - we were her fifth delivery. I was at a
really low point - I'd been hoping the doctor would stay and the baby
would arrive soon but when she left saying it would be hours before the
baby came I was devastated - I wasn't sure I could stand this pain for
many more minutes much less for hours - the contractions were coming so
close together there was almost no break at all. Doris turned down the
lights and left the room to take care of some paperwork, Bruce went
down to admitting and Heather stayed with me.
Sharon began to slide to a low point- crying
some, angry some but still hanging in. I practiced some therapeutic
touch as she stood alone in the bathroom doorway.
Sharon talked to me about her frustrations at this
point and began to relax her mood. I suggested she lay down hoping she
would get her long awaited break between contractions. Sharon lay on
her side, I covered her and held her hand. Two or three minutes passed
without a contraction. Bruce arrived with a coffee and muffin. I
gestured quietly that I thought Sharon might actually be asleep. I
motioned him over to take my place.
10:00 am
After a few minutes of very welcome sleep I woke up feeling much better
emotionally. Bruce, with coaching from Heather and Doris, stayed with
me through each contraction. It was tough needing him and yet being
unable to tell him so. Needing him close and yet so afraid that his
touch would set off another painful set of contractions. All I could do
was hold tight to his hands and look deeply into his eyes as he tried
to help me.
I felt the depth of her pain, as much as someone
outside could sense it, and was overwhelmed by it. I have never
experienced pain that was that severe or constant. I knew she could not
go back, and that Sharon would want at the end to have not taken any
medication.
I could see the fear and resistance to each new
contraction as it began to build, usually just as the previous one was
ending.
At this point I was barely making it through each contraction. Without
the support of Bruce, Heather and Doris I would have definitely asked
for pain medication. But they kept telling me I was doing fine, even
though I was sure I was somehow "failing" some sort of labour test.
Each contraction I thought - this is it, I can't take it anymore. Each
time a new contraction started before the last had finished I'd cry out
"NO" in a loud voice, not caring who heard me - I just wanted the pain
to stop. And each time one of them would calmly work with me coaxing,
cajoling, demanding until I would look them in the eye one more time
and try to match my breathing with theirs.
Doris, our nurse, was particularly effective at
getting Sharon to pant and breath through the peaks as the pain
intensified. She, Heather and I took turns working with Sharon. I was
thankful they were there as I found it so hard to see Sharon in such
torment that I would loose my focus which messed up the breathing.
Having a caring and skilled team of coaches was critical to me and I
believe Sharon, to get through this.
Sharon's courage and sheer strength of will to get
through each contraction was amazing. She yelled, pleaded and sometimes
asked to "go home now". Mostly she worked with whoever was the coach.
She forced herself to breath, pant and blow out each breath as one
contraction wave rolled through on top of the last.
We tried various positions leaning on the bed, leaning over the bed,
lying down but I found that, for me, I was most comfortable standing.
It was really difficult. Standing was tiring me out but changing
positions intensified the contractions to the point where I couldn't
stand them. A few times I found myself actually falling asleep standing
up during the few seconds between contractions. Heather and Bruce were
always there holding my hands and holding me up when I needed it.
11:00 am
Doris suggested it was time to do a vaginal exam since the urge to push
was beginning to become overwhelming. It was hard to get on the bed but
I made it, hoping for news that the baby would be arriving soon. The
exam showed that while fully effaced I was still only 9 cm dilated. I
was shocked. How could I go to 6 cm so fast and then take so long for
the next 3. If I was feeling the urge to push I should be fully dilated
- shouldn't I? Doris told me it was very important that I not push
until that last cm had dilated. I was angry - though I didn't know who
to be angry at - this was not what I had been expecting, none of the
books, or videos or birth stories had prepared me for five hours of
almost continuous pain. I needed all the support Bruce could give me at
this point and, again, he was right there for me.
The next hour was very difficult. I worked with
Sharon a lot at this point. As we stood hands clenched, I felt that we
were in some bizarre ritualistic dance. Our eyes locked together, our
arms moving up and around, our breathing in unison. It was extremely
intimate as we breathed through the contractions one at a time. It was
a moving meditation with our short intense breathing our mantra.
At one point I reminded Sharon that the only was out
was through. We had no choice but to work through each contraction. I
was concerned that she might direct her anger at me, but she seemed to
understand and focused even more on getting through the contractions.
12:00 noon
By noon I was getting desperate and was loosing the struggle to resist
pushing. Everyone was getting stressed. Dr Sheppard had returned and
did another exam, finding that the cervix still had about half a cm to
go. I couldn't believe it - how could the cervix still be open after
the last hour? The doctor suggested rupturing my membranes, which
surprisingly were still intact at this point. I had refused the first
time the nurse has suggested rupturing, wanting the birth to be as
natural as possible, but now was willing to try it. Once again I felt I
was at the end of my rope and once again Heather was right there for
me.
I further explained that standing might help put
more pressure on the cervix and thus increase the progress quicker. The
next half hour was very hard for Sharon. The nurse set a goal of half
an hour before the next internal exam in order to minimize the number
of exams done on Sharon. The intensity of interaction between Sharon
and Bruce during this last hour was marvelous to witness. Their focus
into each other's eyes, whether standing, kneeling over the back of the
bed or holding both hands never wavered. I'm sure I saw Sharon deepen
and age. Her face changed and the concentration revealed an older, even
more confident woman. Bruce had been unflappable throughout, ever
vigilant and supportive.
The urge to push became impossible to resist. Each
contraction I could feel it getting stronger and stronger. They would
all try so hard to get me to pant to prevent the pushing but I kept
crying out "I can't" as my body dropped automatically into a semi squat
position and they would say "you can" and then one of them would
capture my eyes and help me to stand and lead me through the panting
one more time. Doris was particularly effective at this point. Her
mesmerizing light blue eyes and quiet voice could get through to me
when nothing else could.
12:30
Finally at 12:30 I had my last exam - this one revealed that the baby
had already started her descent down the birth canal - even though that
final stubborn lip of the cervix was still there, Dr Sheppard actually
had to push it out of the way. This time there was no holding back -
the baby was coming!
Dr Sheppard suddenly remembered the cord blood kit and she
and Doris scrambled to get it ready while Heather and Bruce helped me
get into position on the birthing bed. Heather coached me to refine my
position and think of the direction my body needed to be in to push. I
remembered reading in my Feldenkris birthing book how to tuck under my
tail bone to make a smooth channel for the baby to come through.
Heather had me draw up my knees and she took one leg while Bruce took
the other. Fortunately Dr Sheppard was ready because I couldn't hold
back the pushing any longer.
It felt so wonderful to finally be allowed to do what my
body had been aching to do for the past hour and a half. Suddenly I
wasn't tired anymore. I felt a rush of energy and I let out a few very
loud groans with the first pushes that helped release some of the pent
up frustration. Then the doctor began giving me instructions on how she
wanted the pushing done, to help the baby and to minimize the damage to
my perenium. Finally I felt like I was doing something right. I found I
had complete control of my "pushing" muscles and could do whatever
pushing was needed - it didn't even seem to matter if there was a
contraction or not. Everything that had gone before seemed to be
leading up to this moment in time. All the horse riding I had done
during the pregnancy to keep muscles in tone, all the Shiatsu
treatments to learn to release tense muscles, all the bottled up urge
to push and most of all the fact that I had made it this far without
drugs so I had full sensation where I needed it.
The coordination between Sharon's short effective
pushes and Dr Sheppard's quiet and soft instructions "push again", "now
ease up", "now push", "stop and blow a little" produced a gentle
pushing stage until the baby's head slowly emerged.
12:35 pm
I was so glad that Bruce was there with me. That he was sharing this
moment when the baby arrived.
Suddenly I could see the top of our daughter's
head. A reddish blue shape. With each push instruction, the doctor
would gently move the perineum back and around the emerging head. It
was amazing. Our little girl was being born.
This happened quickly as the head came through and then the chest.
Suddenly the mood of the doctor seemed to change, she had
asked if Bruce wanted to cut the cord but now, with the baby still only
half out, she asked Doris for the scissors so she could cut the cord
herself.
With grace and concentration Dr Sheppard slid her
fingers between the baby's neck and the cord which was tightly wrapped
around her neck. She clipped it, cut it and nodded to Sharon to push
hard to birth the body quickly. Sharon did this with ease and the
rather limp baby was whisked over for a rub down and extra oxygen.
The medical team all went with the baby - leaving Bruce and
I on our own, not knowing what was wrong.
I had wanted to hand the baby to Sharon but Dr
Sheppard just looked at me and shook her head. In an instant an OB and
Pediatrician had come in and with Dr Sheppard and Doris were standing
and working with the baby.
I felt a sudden alarm go off and realized that
something was wrong. How wrong I didn't know. I heard Doris say that
she had a heartbeat which reassured me. At one point the baby rolled
it's head sideways and looked directly at Sharon, she seemed to know
Sharon. Again it was amazing.
If it hadn't been for Heather standing right beside me and telling me
exactly what was going on I think I would have panicked. She told me
the cord had been wrapped around the baby so they had to cut it before
she was born but the baby had a heartbeat and they were giving her
oxygen. She told me the baby was breathing. She told me she could see
the baby moving.
I explained to Sharon what was happening and why
the baby needed almost everyone's attention. We listened as Sharon
whispered "Breath, Baby, Breath". The baby's heart beat was strong and
after four anxious minutes we heard her muffled cry behind the oxygen
mask. The baby's APGAR score jumped from 2 to 7 in five minutes of
being born. A pediatrician provided reassurance that all was well and
the new baby girl was lifted from the warming unit onto Sharon's chest.
We unwrapped her and Sharon hugged her baby skin to skin and Bruce
hugged Sharon.
We could finally be with our
daughter. She was so tiny and perfectly formed. Truly a miracle. We
mostly stared at each other. I felt a huge sense of love for Sharon and
the baby and breathed a huge sigh of relief.
It was incredible holding her warm body next to mine,
feeling her small movements as nestled close, hearing her breathe. I
wanted to hold her, to hold Bruce all at the same time. She was OK, my
wonderful baby girl was just fine.
With the sense of relief that the baby was here and all was
well came another relief - the ordeal was finally over - the painful
contractions had stopped. I could feel my body trembling with relief.
Nothing had ever felt so good as simply not feeling the pain anymore.
At 2 minutes to 1 pm not only a baby was born but
we witnessed the birth of a mother... and the start of a new family.
That night I lay on the fold
down bed-chair in the room with her on my
chest. I could feel her breathing and sense her spirit and aliveness. I
felt so fortunate to have her and to be able to share my love with her.